Yours, Mine, and Everybody's Business
by dreamofstarysky
Summary: Shizuru thinks matrimony is the way to baby making hell. In all her snark glory, she asks Yusuke and Keiko to tell their story. The gods must've been smoking some serious crack.


**Yours, Mine, and Everybody's Business**

His face contorted. "Kyousuke? That's lame."

"I think it's a beautiful name Keiko," Shizuru countered while she channel surfed.

"Thank you." Keiko smiled then sent him a glare.

"I mean someone's got to give the kid a proper name. If it were up to Mr. dead beat dad over there he'd name him after his favorite brand of smokes," Shizuru quipped.

"I wouldn't," Yusuke yelled, "And what kind of name is Kuwabara anyway?"

"Look who's talking Urameshi," Kazuma said as he handed Keiko a cup of tea.

"Well you know what they say, you can pick your nose, you can pick your plate, but you sure can't pick your family," Shizuru informed. She envied the one who could. Lucky prick. Resting her feet against the coffee table Shizuru searched for anything that didn't involve dead babies or too-crazy-to-live mothers. Psychopaths was all the rage these days and if the book Keiko held firmly in her hand was right and babies could hear past amniotic fluid she did not want to be the cause for anything that rubbed off on him...or her.

"So Shizuru when are you going to get married?"

Leave it to Keiko to touch on the touchy feely crap.

"Yeah sis when are you gonna get a man and get out my hair?"

A bit of the wall crumbled an inch from his face with the remote lodged inside of the gaping hole. Keiko laughed nervously while Yusuke was on the floor, rolling. "I ain't payin' for this," Kuwabara yelled as he pointed to the hole.

Marriage involved commitment and sometimes procreation. Most of the time it was the other way around. Shizuru didn't want to have a have a "baby daddy" as a result of one too many cups of spiked punch or abrupt termination of marriage nor did she want to be the beaming housewife with a twerp on each hip. She wanted to get away from stereotypes.

Besides being a human incubator would suck. Instead of seeing her as a person, they'd regard her as the local baby maker or that one pregnant chick. No, it was better to be a flat belly.

"To answer your question, there's not a guy rich enough to make me go through that kind of hell," Shizuru answered, "Also if I do and get pregnant I'll have to give up smoking. If I don't, they'll turn out like you baby bro."

"That's cold," Yusuke said.

"No, it could be worse. The twerp could turn out like you. Good thing you've got Keiko's genes to set it right." She patted Keiko's back gently to take out the sting of her words. "Anyway, you guys never told us how you found out you were pregnant."

"Well," Keiko began as she scratched the side of her nose, "I missed my period about three times and I was throwing up-"

"Worse than any alcoholic I've known," Yusuke added in, "I thought she was three months hung over and kept giving her tea."

"-so I thought I was either pregnant or dying but-"

"She was praying ten times a day."

"I settled for the first one because my stomach started to show. I didn't really tell Yusuke until I was nearly five months in. It went something like this:"

Yusuke had just staggered in. It was about a quarter to eleven and Keiko had a bunch of snack bags scattered on the couch.

"You keep eating like that and you're going to get fatter."

"Shut up." Keiko continued to stuff her face.

"I have to ask, are you pregnant?"

"You just realized?"

Offended Yusuke said, "I'm not stupid. Kurama happened to tell me the other day how a guy can tell if his girl was, you know, and I kept feeling another energy signal around." He figured it was either that or a fumigation was in order. Not that he could afford either outcome but a baby was better than a rat. That way if he strangled an non paying customer and said, "I have a family to support" it wouldn't be a lie.

"The little guy's gonna be a gold mine someday," Yusuke thought as he moved a potatoes chip bag to rub his wife's stomach. If Keiko decided to desert him he'd get custody and he'd convince the courts to make her pay child support. She'd be so broke at the end of every month she'd have to live with her parents who'd tell her to go live with them. There she'd be his cleaning lady. Yusuke told her so and she replied dryly, "I doubt that'll hold up."

Yusuke thought for a second. Maybe it was the booze talking but the idea seemed brilliant. Unless...

"Keiko the kid's mine, right?"

She pushed his hand off and reached for a cookie, "No Yusuke it's the milk man's."

He was rendered speechless for a good five minutes before he remembered that they didn't have a milk man. "Just checkin'."

But you better believe he carefully measured the dairy intake ever since.

The two Kuwabaras just gaped at them.

"We had a long talk after that." She clasped her hubby's hand in a surely loving gesture.

Some things were better left unknown.

After overcoming the shock, Shizuru began to look for the extra remote and stumbled upon...something wet. Shizuru closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Kuwabara looked at the girl's lower half. It looked like she peed herself.

"Water broke?" Yusuke questioned.

"Aren't you sharp today." Keiko answered rather cheerily.

Picking her up bridal style Yusuke was about to make a dash for the door.

"Wait!" Kuwabara screamed. "Don't you think it'd be bad for you to go sprinting like that?"

The couple looked at one another then Keiko's pants, they simultaneously agreed.

"Good, let's take the car," Kuwabara said as he grabbed his jacket, "But you've guys got to promise me something."

"What?" They Urameshis asked in unison. Keiko looked rather peeved by that point.

"Don't ever tell your children about that."

Just like that they left. Shizuru groaned and went looking for her cigarettes and lighter. Her purse already on her arm she turned the TV off manually. Yusuke and Keiko sure nipped those stereotypes in the butt. Maybe starting a family wouldn't be so bad. Hopefully Kuwabara didn't swamp their chances of having a safe birth.

Shizuru twirled the keys on her index finger.

**Author's Note:**

This wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It's just something I wrote when I didn't have a computer. I thought it'd make someone's day (now or years from now) and decided to put it on here. It's really simple and I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
